Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
