dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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