Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
