Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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