You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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