WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
