I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
