Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
