Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
