I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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