I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
