On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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