he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
