don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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