I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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