Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
