Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
