My friends, they love my intelligence
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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