Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
