A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
