there's paper in my vomit.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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