so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
