Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
