dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
