some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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