He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
