im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
