It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
