Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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