Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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