It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
