I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
