Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
