You can't motorboat a personality
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
