I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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