How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we're making bets on your personal life
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
