She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
