we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
