oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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