we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
