never play flip cup with pint glasses
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
