i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
