It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
