So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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