You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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