some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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