I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Plan B is the new Plan A
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
