My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
