i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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