tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
