does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
